end of our relationship?

it's only been a week but seems soooo long to me. every morning I wake up feeling empty and I really hate this emptiness.
let's start from last tues. he called me aft work and talked awhile. he said still got work to do. ard 10 I called him, he said he is at Chinatown with his camp mates and will call me when he reached home. well no calls from him after that. on wed, he called again as usual after work. when I called him at 10 tat say, he said he is at Fullerton and will MSG me when he reached home. as usual my phone was silent all the way. detected GPS at 4 am for both days. on thurs I called him during lunch. somehow I confronted him again. he was angry as usual and wants to end it. well I am sorry for doing tat and SMS him sorry. as usual no reply and nothing from him the whole day. GPS detected he was at quality hotel at 9pm. met him the next day and ask where he went for dinner last nite. he told me mandarin hotel. well but I saw his Cust MSG him thanks for the dinner. so indeed he did go dinner w his Cust.

spent my weekend w him but I still cried. so upset w how he treats me. he doesn't touch me anymore. no hugs and kisses. when I touched him, I feel as I am feeling a wood. I can't help but talk to him again. this time round, I wan to hear me as a Fran and give me advise. guess wat he advised me. to end it! he told me to leave him alone. dun talk to him. dun touch him. how hurt is this. I saw his colleague MSG him in wed asking where is he. he mentioned garden, the smoking spot. the colleague ask if he is w his darling cause she does nt want to disturb. how shld I react when seeing this MSG. what am I!?!?!?!?
I didn't want to leave his hse jus now. so afraid he will go meet tat bitch. but he ask me to go home N to leave him alone. I ask if he loves me or hates me. he looked at me but does nt reply me. I told him 'if u love me, kiss me back. if u hate me,.....' I can't continue my sentence... I just kept crying nonstop. after I tried to kiss him but jus about to touch his lips, I retreated. so afraid tat he does not kiss me back. so afraid to noe tat he hates me. but later he came forward to kiss me. and asked me to stop crying. I can't control my tears and he asked is it tat I stayed over at his place then I will stop crying. I said I cried cos I am upset. upset tat he is treating me this way. upset tat his actions are so cold. with tat, I left.
I really can't see anything ahead. I deleted his num fr my hp. though my mind still noes his num. I am trying to get myself out but it's really very diffult.

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Shopping Makes One Feel Better

After hearing what Ser told me on Mon, I decided to heed her advise & try putting on makeup again. Just like what I did 5 yrs ago before I met Calvin. For a start, just a little of eyelinder. Not too much so that its not obvious for pple to notice but somehow or rather, 99% of my colleagues saw the difference & tot that I have a date or wat. No matter how I deny, they still keep asking where am I going & one even wish me an enjoyable nite ahead. Ya, I do have a date after work & its with Ser :) Well, at least I do get positive feedback afterall. Will continue if I am not lazy.
Met Ser after work at Bugis, walk around & just got 2 nail polish.

Went home & called Calvin but he did not pickup. He returned call shortly & said he is at Chinatown drinking with his camp mates. Told me to give him morning call & said he will sms me when reached home but turn out didn't :(
Cant expect much now.

Well called him this morning & ask y didnt he sms me. He said hp no batt. well I just got to believe lor. For the rest of the day, he didnt call till I was in my car on the way to Suntec to meet Christine. He told me about the Luxasia sale which will be going on from tmr till Sat. I asked if he interested to go ah. He said ya. Will go on Sat after work. Then I asked him who he going with. He like taken aback w the question then said 'you lah'. ok lah, I noe its kinda of stupid but scarely he didnt tot of going w me leh. Then after so long, I finally asked him when are we meeting? He said friday lor & since I mention before wana put some clothes at his place (u noe just in case??), he said can suan bian bring over to his place lor. Erm come to think about it while typing, does he mean to stay over at his place on Fri?? Ok I dun dare to think about it oso lah. Anyway asked where is he going after work, He said duno yet.

So back to meeting Christine, we had Aston then coffee & gosipping @ Starbucks. Just before going back, we went to New Look & bought 2 heels from there. Heels quite high but got to sacrifice if wana dress up. Anyway 2 pairs for less than $50. Worth it.
Meeting Sam tmr go Orchard walk walk. Frankly some shopping do makes 1 feel better to a certain level. :)

Just called Calvin just now & he mentioned he is somewhere near Fullerton drinking & relaxing. Hope wat he said is true. As long as he is not with the bitch, I am fine. Toking about the bitch makes my blood boil. Yesterday during lunch, I am talking to the guys & mention Calvin. Then they asked which Calvin. Automatically I said 'mine lah'. Then they tease me ' still urs meh?' bloody hell lor... Idiots right??? I really hope I can say Calvin will be mine forever. I must make it work.

23rd Aug- what will 3 mths later be?

I was on my way to work this afternoon. again I saw the bitch car drive opp my direction. fuck! I hate to see that car! I saw someone in her car and immediately Calvin come into my mind. I called him straightaway and chk on him. he said he is nt with her. well I will have to control my actions and dun act so impulsive. I am suppose to MSG him my acc num so tat he can tsf money over but then I forgotten. so he called me at 6 and asked. we tok for 6 mins then hang up. ask him to forward me the website for the movies when he reached home. he called me when he tsf the money over. aft half an hr, he auto MSG the websites over and ard 9 plus while I am on my way back home, he called and asked if I received his MSG. we spoke about 16 mins. he mentioned he will be meeting jiaming and frans tok tok. though it seems awkwardly silent at some parts of the conversation, at least is a gd start and can tell he is trying.
updated Terence everything. the things that Calvin blared out etc and he said he can actually understand how Calvin is feeling. and regards to the bitch, he posted a question to me. 'if both the bitch and calvin have feelings for each other and anytime can b together already plus keeping in mind tat calvin can break w me anytime with all these talks going on and on, then can u tell me y Calvin is still hanging on and willing to give u 2 a try?' well I can only say it's a love hate thing he is feeling for me now. I also asked Terence if he thinks Calvin like her? he replied no. if the bitch like him? he replied duno.
well I am doing my best now to give him his freedom. jus hope he dun misuse it. crossing my fingers for 23rd nov. wishing and hoping by that time, we r having a very happy relationship.

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23rd Aug- what will 3 mths later be?

I was on my way to work this afternoon. again I saw the bitch car drive opp my direction. fuck! I hate to see that car! I saw someone in her car and immediately Calvin come into my mind. I called him straightaway and chk on him. he said he is nt with her. well I will have to control my actions and dun act so impulsive. I am suppose to MSG him my acc num so tat he can tsf money over but then I forgotten. so he called me at 6 and asked. we tok for 6 mins then hang up. ask him to forward me the website for the movies when he reached home. he called ms when he tsf the money over. aft half an hr, he auto MSG the websites over and ard 9 plus while I am on my way back home, he called and asked if I received his MSG. we spoke about 16 mins. he mentioned he will be meeting jiaming and frans tok tok. though it seems awkwardly silent at some parts of the conversation, at least is a gd start and can tell he us trying.
updated Terence everything. the things that Calvin blared out etc and he said he can actually understand how Calvin is feeling. and regards to the bitch, he posted a question to me. 'if both the bitch and calvin have feelings for each other and anytime can b together already plus keeping in mind tat calvin can break w me anytime with all these talks going on and on, then can u tell me y Calvin is still hanging on and willing to give u 2 a try?' well I can only say it's a love hate thing he is feeling for me now. I also asked Terence if he thinks Calvin like her? he replied no. if the bitch like him? he replied duno.
well I am doing my best now to give him his freedom. jus hope he dun misuse it. crossing my fingers for 23rd nov. wishing and hoping by that time, we r having a very happy relationship.

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Back at home

Continue from where I left on Fri. Headed to Paragon to pass some docs during office hours & rushed back. Total 62 km, Can claim $0.80 per km so that means can get about $50. Michael was nagging he wants to go cos can earn so much but he got too many work to clear so I went instead. On my way back to office, Calvin called asking where am I. We met ard 6.30 & he asked me where i wan to go. My face of course black cos isnt he should be planning for me? So i just heaed straight to the petrol kiosk to pump petrol. On my way, I asked 'ur pay not in right?' he pretend nothing & kept asking me where i wana go. Once I reached the petrol station, he took out a box & passed to me, wish me happy birthday & gave me a kiss. I told him he was the last person to wish me. his face turned. I Noe I said the wrong thing. so I said thank u. rest of the nite was fine. we went to play fishing and watched step up3. saturday I saw the bitch MSG him 'smoke ma bb'. angry and mind going crazy when I saw tat. confronted him but he said it's nothing cos everyone in office is calling him boyboy cos of his hairstyle. I can only believe wat he said. we slept thro sat and when Sunday comes. ask if he is sending me home. he ask me wat time I wana go. I mention evening. then he said nw lor which was 4 plus. I told him this is nt ur definition of evening. aft which we quarrel again and he asked me to go home myself. I told him didn't u say will acc me go hg mall to buy blanket? he reluctantly went w me. when ask he wana eat anything. he said dun wan and ask me to ta bao instead.
went home and detected he was at geyland at 9+. mind went crazy. he did have something on afterall. finally I decided to go down his place and wait. waited till 3 plus when I saw the bitch car drove past. I quickly went to the lift and saw him there. we quarrel again. he blame me for checking on him. if I dun chk, such thing wun happen. we quarrel so much until he blare out everything. he hated me. he hate to see me. at times, he even hate to come home. he hated us living together. he is the happiest during reservist period. he nvr miss me during that period. he actually remember every event tat happen. he remembered hw black my face was during his time off at reservist 2 yrs ago. he remembered everything and how he change himself jus to make me happy and to love me more. but all these I have taken for granted. i can only blame upself for all these have hapened but I wan another chance jus like 2 yrs ago, he did wrong and we gave each other a chance. he said fine. he can give me a chance but he wun change his attitude anymore. I told him this is being unfair to me. asked if he still love me. he can't answer. he duno if he love or hate me now. he said since I am suffering, let's just end it. he again mention tat he dun wan the hse already. from the time he signed the papers he told himself if this dun work out, he is prepared to forsake the 5%. I ask if he care about me. he said yes and in return ask if I do. of cos I do and he said he does as well but jus tat the care we show r not wat both of us expected. I told him I gave him everything I can except freedom. whereas he has been changing himself to suit me without me knowing. I told him it's really unfair tat he will not change back to his old self jus becos he has changed so many times. he dun tok how would I Noe. finally he said again to give us time to cool off and think over. I of cos dun wan and asked him if I have another choice? he then said ok. we give ourselves 3 mths to make it work just like 2 yrs back. suddenly while typing this, I am soooo scared it will not work but I will definitely try my best. no checking on his hp... I hope I can do it! I jus chk this morning and he caught me. hai.. got to prepare work. took half day urgent AM leave cos all my things r at home and I am locked outside...well tats my mum lor...

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Happy Birthday to me

Called him yesterday and he mentioned not meeting cos think got meeting etc. asked if after that? he said go home ah. called him at 8 plus but no answer. called again at 9 and nvr answer. finally he called back 5 mins later. he said he is somewhere near PS and currently in toilet. he said he was having dinner w SQ pple. then he mention his hp low batt so we hang up. no calls/SMS from him till now.
yesterday I told Selina about my problem and she asked who is that bitch. I mentioned she work at JAS. the moment I said tat, the bitch name came out from Selina's mouth. coincidently bitch did like selina's bf yong as well and kept asking him out to drink 1 to 1 even when she noes he has a gf already. lucky yong rejects or did nt response to her therefore she drift off. this was 4 mths ago. so this means right after yong, she target Calvin. same thing, she also lend $ to yong. why is there such a 犯贱 woman! u desperate for guys so be it but y mus u target someone with gf. I agree she is not totally at fault. Calvin plays a part as well. Stacy say let's throw acid at her cb. I say make sure we get the strongest 1. yong say he will do the job. seriously I duno how long this will last. she will definitely not disappear from his life if he continue in contact with her which he will. so who can I blame but him. and also myself for being so stupid.
met sam yesterday and she said since I wana carry on, either I do the mature thing which is wait for few months and c any changes else the childish thing to do is to find a companion like wat he is doing. well, finding is difficult. finding 1 tat can click is even worse.
did I mention tat yesterday when I login hdb, it states tat as of todate, my flat will b ready in 3rd quater of 2012. tats 2 years more! I wish to tell him but he mentioned that he dun want the flat anymore. will I b getting to stay there with him???? I hope but is this possible? suddenly so many uncertainties ahead . I hate this!


after so much happy birthday to myself.. up till now nothing from him at all

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Disappointment

back from movies. didn't tell him tat even if he apologize, my mum dun wana c him anymore. in his heart, he didn't want to afterall. what hurts me is he dun even noe if he WANs me to stay over at his place. all he could say was u wan, u come over and stay ah. this is so disappointing. stupid me still went to bought season parking for next mth at his place whereas didn't buy for my place yet. I am stupid! foolish! but despite knowing all these, I still do all these things. it's like one sided thing.
ask if he still contacting the bitch aft office hours.. he replied that I can chk wat. told him I wana hear him say.. he nodded his head and added only 1 or 2 mins... is this suppose to be good or bad? I oso duno. I felt so hopeless.

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Aching heart

suddenly I literally felt my heart aching. dun ask me why cos I duno either but definitely I hate such feeling. I am meeting him later but I am nt really looking forward to. probably he feel the same too. it may has become a responsibility to him already.I found out that he is lying to me again. I hate to find out such things!

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Cannot see Future

Currently feeling lost! Suddenly duno what will my future be. My mother does not want to see him anymore even though he is to apologise. If I were to stay his place, its up to me (as what my mother say). Stacy say dun do things which will hurt my mum but more or less, it will. I oso duno if staying w him will be a good choice. Will I be with him forever? I cant see the future with him now. I duno so many things. I duno if he still loves me. I duno if wana spend his life with ne. I duno what is he thinking. I dun feel any security from him.

He called this afternoon saying he will not be meeting me cos he is going out with SQ pple. Asked me to give him morning call tomorrow cos they will be drinking tonight. I said ok. Then while talking to Terence, this thought came to my mind.... he probably meeting the bitch & they are going out.... I cant help thinking of this. Can this scary & lost period faster pass by?!?!?!?!?!? Sometimes I really hate my life. Ending it probably will be a good solution.